• Squid Wan

Are you rich? Are you happy? Or are you neither?

If you've watched Bling Empire as I did, Anna Shay said it best:

Life is not a dress rehearsal.

Well, with 600 million dollars, a generous pocket and a no-bullshit meter, she's made herself onto my aspirations list alongside Mother Theresa and the Obamas. Alright, I'm kidding. She was, however, my favourite character in the show.

If you're still reading this, thank you. Please know that this is no attempt at self-aggrandising. What this is all about -- is Me re-discovering Myself, documenting and tracking my journey. I've been advised many times that journaling helps, so of course, I had to be extra and start a blog, and a YouTube channel. My first therapist told me that I tend to lean towards extremes, and that I should aim to learn to be comfortable with the in-between. She's right. I have been lucky enough not to get into some serious shit that could land me in jail or in a worser predicament, so as extreme as I may get, I am grateful that a part of me still managed to get myself out of some stuff only scarred but not losing any of my limbs. It has been pretty shitty and shiny all at once the past 16 years and most of it had to do with events involving my personal relationships. Strange enough, as soon as I type that, I realise how ridiculous it sounds because isn't it true for most of us? Our relationships with others affect us the most (unless we're sociopaths).

From a fetus, we enter the world forging bonds and relationships, to survive. So if our mother was smoking or drinking, or if she had any fears or worries, or if she was constantly fighting with our father, you as the baby in her womb might be impacted by all of it. It is inevitable. And when we're born, we let out our first cry, and then fully depend on our caregivers' ability to nurture us. Some of us have it better than others. The environment we are brought up in and the people around us such as our siblings, our teachers, our friends and even strangers, world events both local and international, all play a part in forming who we are at a very young age.

After we've learnt the basic ways of "our respective worlds", accepted, rejected or become really confused or fudged up by our socialisation, we are hit with puberty. BAM! No one tells you about the impending magnification of your thoughts and feelings during this stage, they only mostly focus on your physical changes, while you attempt to navigate your temperaments and angst like a headless chicken, or like me, ending up in detention for most of my school days.

Then comes adulthood. Being an adult in this day and age is challenging to say the least. Sure, others might make it look easy and even glamorous on Instagram, Facebook and recently on Tik Tok (which in my opinion needs to be better moderated, I've seen porn, hate speech, cry-for-help, fake news, financial scammers... how is this okay?). Let's get real, majority of the people on those platforms only post the good stuff or what they think others would want to see, or what is acceptable, or worst -- what will get Likes. Yes yes, I know you have a very good face, you're very sexy, you're doing well at your job, you're making lots of money, you workout everyday and have photos/analytics to prove it, you have a million friends and are partying all the time, or you're crazy in love with your partner... I've been guilty of posting too much for a few of these things, especially the one about me being sexy, haha I am kidding! What I'm trying to say is that unless its posts of cats or babies, 3 times a week should be a rule of thumb for show-offy, humblebrag posts. That is my bias opinion. If you're offended, it means you're guilty of what I am pointing out and why do you care what I think? Please go ahead and do you. You are allowed to take up space and no one should tell you what you can or cannot do with your social media, except for the law, and even that is ambiguous. I am just trying to encourage a better posting etiquette that we as a society can benefit from which is ideally authentic, not-so filtered and compassionate.

As we go through life's adversities on repeat, we can start to see a pattern of toxicity consuming our main narrative and that is when we realise that the world might not be the problem, it is Us. And that is what is happening to Me. With every breakup, friendship betrayals, family conflicts, I go through an existential life crisis, where I question and reflect where I am in life and why the heck are people so mean to me and what did I do to ever deserve such cruelty. Yes, if you haven't already notice, that is the sound of me narrating a victim mentality. Recognising this victim mentality was the first step to bettering myself, and while it does not excuse the wrongs that was done upon me, it helps me be aware of a few things that I was lacking, such as adequate self love and healthy boundaries.

It has come to a point now that if I do not figure out how to live better for myself, I might stay miserable, repeat destructive patterns, and regret my life. It's been 7 years since I decided to better myself. I read books, watched videos, spoke to people, even went to study psychology, to understand myself better. I hope that my sharing helps at least one person feel less traumatised or alone in whatever they might be struggling with. I shall end this first article with my first YouTube video. I hope you are well and thank you for reading and watching.

Have compassion for others and love yourself,


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